Have you ever come to the realization that you need to have a difficult conversation with someone you love and your immediate reaction is I can’t do that!
Maybe it’s time to question this knee jerk response.
There’s a difference between the things you can’t do, the things you won’t do, and the things you haven’t done yet. It sounds like I’m splitting hairs but I think when we label things correctly it helps us perceive them correctly.
When you say “I can’t talk to them” is that really true? I can say “I can’t talk to my dad about how I never felt close to him growing up” because it's literally true. My dad passed away in December so it’s physically impossible for me to have that conversation. In the last few months of his life, it still would have been true that I couldn’t because the effects of Alzheimer’s had taken away his ability to hold a conversation. But if I had said I can’t when I was in high school or college, I would have been lying. The truth was I could, but I wouldn’t.
In my book, I talked about how confrontation and apologies are two common ways we need to learn to be vulnerable in our every day lives. Yes, it’s terrifying, but it’s also necessary for healthy relationships and healthy churches. The next time you find yourself pushing back on the conviction to have one of these conversations, do so honestly. If it’s physically possible, don’t let yourself say that you can’t. Because you can.
The good news is that there is more than one way to label your push back. Saying you won’t do something sounds like the final word on the matter, but it doesn’t have to be. Instead say, “I haven’t done that yet.” That feels a lot better to me. I don’t want to do it, I know that I should, and I’m saying that I will, but I do not have the courage to do it right now. But I will.
This applies to more than just difficult conversations. Do you need to commit to a healthier lifestyle? Address sin? Get organized? Look for a better job? Don’t say you can’t, because you actually can. Say “I haven’t done that yet.”
The phrase also helps signal to the person you’re saying it to that this is something they can bring up later. They can continue to talk about this, encourage you, and push you toward the thing you know you need to do.
Don’t let the lie of “can’t” hold you back from growth.