I’m afraid of how rusty I am.
I want to start writing again but I’m dreading getting back into it. I’m sure I’m too rusty. Writing? Again? Every day?! I tell myself Forget it, the rust is too much! So I do. I forget.
Until I remember. I really want to start writing again.
The cycle starts over. Forget, remember, forget, remember. Meanwhile nothing gets written and I feel stuck.
I used to write every day. Now that sounds like a huge accomplishment, but back then it was just routine. Same with running. Before training for a marathon, I felt like I deserved a parade any time I ran longer than a mile without stopping or crying or falling in a ditch. The more I did it, the easier it got. Toward the end of training I could see a 4 mile run on the schedule and be grateful that it was an easy day. AN EASY DAY?! Now look at me! If I tried to run 4 miles today, all my bones would crack like cornflakes.
Why is getting back into the swing of things harder than starting to swing the first time? Getting back on the horse feels like it takes more effort than the initial hop in the saddle. Why? It’s the same horse! I know this horse. We’ve met. We used to be great together. Why isn’t this easier?!
I’m dreading the effort it’s going to take to get things back to how they used to be. I’m not looking forward to how many times this used to be easier will fly across my thoughts. I’ll lecture myself, If you hadn’t given up you would be so much further along than you are now.
That’s the problem: if I’m actually going to start over, I have to forgive myself for quitting in the first place. If I can’t do that, I’m going to see every obstacle as some sort of punishment. This is what you get, idiot! If someone else talked to me that way all the time, I wouldn’t want to be around them much, would I? But because I’m my own bully, I’m stuck with this jerk sidekick in the back of my thoughts all the live long day.
Is that why I’m doom scrolling through Instagram? Am I avoiding myself? If I keep scrolling, I stay distracted. And if I’m distracted, I’m not saying mean things to myself about all the things I should be doing. My day becomes about how to keep my bully happy instead of actually doing the things I need to.
And the rust grows stronger. I’m stuck.
I wanted to find this really encouraging Willem Dafoe quote about getting over creative blocks. I can’t find it. Googling “Willem Dafoe” advice” gets you some interesting results, though.
Here are 4 headlines back to back from the first page of results:
How to act like Willem Dafoe
Why Willem Dafoe can’t slow down
Abandon Yourself: Willem Dafoe explains how he acts
Willem Dafoe: “I’ve thought of murder many times.”
If you put those all together you can see that the best actors rush, lose control, and think about murder. That’s not the advice I was looking for.
OH WAIT! I found it.
Abandon Perfection, Try to Fail!
Striving for perfection and worrying about failure will get you all locked up. “You’ve got to find ways to let you not worry and be free.”
It’s counterintuitive but that’s the point.
I want to write. I want it to be good. I’m worried about it being bad. That worry can choke my imagination and keep me from taking risks. And those risks are probably what will actually lead to good writing. I’ve got to get out of my own way!
It’s like Viktor Frank’s paradoxical intention from Man’s Search for Meaning.
Let’s say you’re anxious about a big job interview. You’re so afraid of how you’re going to come across that your nerves are shot. If you dig your heels in (mental, metaphorical heels) and walk into that interview saying to yourself DON’T BE AWKWARD! DON’T BE AWKWARD! Chances are, it’s going to have the opposite effect. The more you think about trying not to be awkward, the more awkward you’re going to be. The solution is to give yourself a paradoxical intention: imagine the thing you’re dreading is exactly what you want to happen. Walk into that interview telling yourself I’m going to show off just how awkward I can be. I’m going to be the most awkward job interview this company has ever seen. You’re freeing yourself when you do that. You’re giving yourself permission not to overanalyze every little thing you do for fear that it’s coming across as awkward. And the more you’re out of your head and in the moment, the less awkward you’ll actually be!
The more you try to be in control, the more you’ll fall apart. Give yourself some freedom.
It’s just like falling asleep or trying to impress someone: the more actively you’re trying to make it happen, the more it’s going to slip through your fingers. I can’t lay in bed screaming into my pillow “I NEED TO FALL ASLEEP RIGHT NOW!” And the worst social interactions I’ve had started with me thinking “I really need this person to like me.”
Is there a way to relate this to Jesus’ words in Luke 9?
And he said to all, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it. For what does it profit a man if he gains the whole world and loses or forfeits himself?
The more we try to grasp, take, and control, the more we lose.
Let go.
BUT WHAT IF IT’S NOT PERFECT?!
The more that fear is in control, the more my life will be out of control.
Which, you know, is easier said than done.