I thought I would share this for National Suicide Prevention Awareness Week. The following is an excerpt from my book, In the Altogether: Trusting God with All We Hide From the World.
I've always been astonished by testimonies where someone shares the exact date and time they were prepared to commit suicide. Their story is about how God met them at that moment, and they never looked back. I'm secretly jealous of those stories. I wish I could point to one specific moment. I wish I could tell you the date of the last time I seriously considered suicide. I don't know. It's all a blur. When I was younger, I wasn't even aware that was what was happening in my brain. The thoughts would go away and come back, looking a little different in each stage of life. It's not like I'm calling for everyone to stop sharing their testimonies if they don't sound exactly like mine. I know some people hit rock bottom, make a decision, and never turn back. But I also want to make room for people like me––the ones who hit rock bottom, make a decision, but do turn back. The ones who fall again. When we only hear one type of story, we can feel like we've missed our one shot at redemption. We think that if it didn't work the first time it's over for us. We're a lost cause. We think, If I didn't completely change the moment I handed my life over to Jesus, I guess I never will.
I do have one specific date I can share with you. March 24.
The only reason I know it is because I always write the date with the notes I take at church. During service that Sunday, I was feeling really depressed and a thought about suicide flashed through my mind. It had been a long time since I seriously considered taking my own life. This wasn't like that. This was only a quick thought passing through. I still get one every once in a while. It never stays long. I never make plans. I know it'll pass. At the end of the service, the worship team sang In Christ Alone, and God used that moment to speak to me.
The whole song is beautiful, but the part that really hit me was the line "till he returns or calls me home." The Holy Spirit comforted me with that phrase. I can trust Jesus with my death. He knows my end. He will take me when it's time. He's coming back. This isn't forever. Until that happens, I want to live my life for him. For someone who struggled with the temptation to take his own life, the thought of trusting Jesus with my death was a beautiful reversal of how I used to think. Jesus entered my depression story years ago and changed everything, but I'm still growing, still being transformed, all these years later.