My Depression is a Pancake

I feel depressed right now. It’s almost been a full week now. What does it feel like? Right now it’s like a giant 300-pound pancake has been gently laid on top of me. It wasn’t violently thrown to crush me. Gently laid. The pressure is both soft and heavy, and it feels like I’d better just lay on the floor and let the pancake win.

I’m not 100% sure what triggered this or how to get out from under it.

Here’s my plan:

Go for a walk. I haven’t felt like being physically active or going outside lately. That’s probably just my depression trying to trick me into staying away from activities that will lessen its power.

Clean my apartment. It’s a mess. If I make it look like things are back to normal maybe they’ll start to feel that way too.

Make a to-do list. I need purpose right now. I need a reason to move.

Hold on. This will not last forever. There’s life on the other side that I’ll get to eventually. This too shall pass. Something good is coming.

Don’t worry, throughout the last week I mentioned how I was feeling to two friends. I’m not doing this alone. You don’t all need to suddenly start e-mail or texting me to see if I’m ok. I’m ok.  And if everyone contacted me at the same time to get me to talk about the giant pancake, it would be a miserable and exhausting day.

I just wanted to be honest with you. I’m all about honesty, right? And I want to make it clear that my testimony doesn’t just skip from “Taylor prayed a little prayer to Jesus” to “and he lived happily ever after.” No. I still live in a fallen world with a fallen body and a fallen mind and I’m eagerly awaiting the return of the Lord because of the Great Newness he’s got in store for all creation. Until then, I lean ALL MY WEIGHT on Him and not my own understanding.

Jesus, eat this pancake.

And if you’ve got a pancake (or waffle or donut or French toast sticks) know that you’re not alone, you can take little steps right now that will lead to bigger steps down the road, and there is a Champion of Breakfasts who died to save you. You are not forgotten. You are not forgotten. You are not forgotten.

Something Good is Coming

I love how Andrew Peterson describes hope as the belief that something good is coming.

When he was experiencing this season of depression he describes in the video his wife would often repeat that phrase. He needed that reminder because when you’re in that darkness it can feel like it’s going to last forever. It’s the new normal. You lose all hope because you believe you’ll never feel sunshine again.

But something good is coming.

It reminded me of an Ask Andrew W.K. article where someone asked “How Do I Get Through Dark Times?”

Andrew’s response focused on the cycle of light and darkness that all of us experience. Nothing lasts forever. Life is constantly changing and transitioning just like the night always changes into day.

“We must not mistake the experience of darkness as a sign of torturous death or the end of all good things. It is just a turning point, a part of a cycle. And once the darkness has completed its part of the pattern, the shadows will retreat, the sun will rise, and the light will return once more.”

And he ends the piece with this:

The shadows aren’t always bad. Sometimes they’re just the result of so much light around the corner.

Some times we can remind the people we love that something good is coming. But some times all we can do is be their anchor and believe it for them.

We want them to have hope so it changes their outlook but we also need to let the hope we believe in change our outlook on them. We can sit and listen to their heartache and pain without worrying or nervously trying to offer any advice that comes to mind because we KNOW that something good is coming for them.

We can be patient.

We can wait.

We can love.

In Lord of the Rings Sam knows he’s not allowed to carry the Ring for Frodo. It’s Frodo’s burden to bear. But when Frodo is at his weakest Sam proclaims “I can’t carry it for you but I can carry you.”

Something good is coming.

In Person vs. Through a Screen: A HUGE Problem Facing our Culture

It’s not the same when it’s through a screen.

No one who watched the Super Bowl in their living room would claim they had the same experience as the people who were in the arena.

I still don’t understand why people at concerts record a million videos to post on instagram. Who is that for? You can’t tell what’s happening and the audio is so blown out and terrible. I’m not getting anything out of this. Why? Because it’s not the same when it’s through a screen.

Ever seen a video of a soldier coming home and surprising their loved ones? The family goes nuts. They’re so emotional and excited and overwhelmed. But why, though? The majority of these soldiers have had internet access while overseas. They’ve been able to text, e-mail, and FaceTime. They’ve been able to stay connected. 

But it’s not the same when it’s through a screen.

Nothing beats the live the experience. It’s true for the Super Bowl and it’s true for relationships.

This is becoming a serious issue in America. Back in November the Washington Post shared an article from Jean Twenge called “Teenage depression and suicide are way up — and so is smartphone use.”

Here’s what she says:

Interacting with people face to face is one of the deepest wellsprings of human happiness; without it, our moods start to suffer and depression often follows. Feeling socially isolated is also one of the major risk factors for suicide. We found that teens who spent more time than average online and less time than average with friends in person were the most likely to be depressed. Since 2012, that’s what has occurred en masse: Teens have spent less time on activities known to benefit mental health (in-person social interaction) and more time on activities that may harm it (time online).

This is not just a youth problem. They’re not the only ones with their heads down, staring at phones all day. They’re not the only ones living out relationships through a screen.

It’s hurting us. We’re missing out on genuine connection.

The greatest way to love someone and give them what they need today is to look them in the eye.

Call someone up, make plans, sit across from them, and look them in the eye.

A Great Book for Young Adult Ministries

Over the last 6 months I’ve been reading as much as I can to prepare for my new tour. I want this comedy show to act as an outreach for the church or ministry hosting. I want to talk about confession, and why we need to be open and honest about what we’re going through. AND on top of all that I want to be able to train leaders and volunteers on how to handle those tough conversations when someone is opening up for the first time.

One of the books that has been the most help is When Your Twenties are Darker than You Expected by Paul C. Maxwell. Each chapter walks through difficulties we can face like depression, regret, loneliness, anxiety, lust, doubt, and suicide. Maxwell does such a great job unpacking what these experiences look like specifically in your 20s.

It’s a great combination of thorough academic research and personal vulnerability.

In The Gifts of Imperfection, Brene Brown says “shame hates when we reach out to tell our story. It hates having words wrapped around it —it can’t survive being shared. Shame loves secrecy.”

That quote helped me realize one of Maxwell’s greatest strengths in writing. He is so good at wrapping the perfect words around the darkness. He articulates what the experience feels like and takes the shame out of it so you can begin to deal with it.

“Depression is an entire arsenal of concrete shoes, fixing you to the ground, letting you witness the world but not participate.”

“Regret is the closest emotional synonym we have for the word ‘scar.’”

I think everyone ministering to young adults should have this book in their office. It gives a ton of insight, wisdom, and points you to a lot of other great resources in the footnotes.

I don’t know how to transition here but I just want to share one of my other favorite quotes from the book.

In the chapter on dealing with lust Maxwell says, “There is no higher way to value a human being than to regard their relationship with God as your highest priority.” And I think that’s just a beautiful mindset to have when it comes to lust.

I’m giving away 10 free copies of this book to young adult pastors and ministry directors who fill out a quick survey. DO IT!

Robin Williams, Depression, and All of Us

Robin Williams passed away yesterday and it broke everyone's heart. I follow a lot of comedians on Twitter and there were tons of really sweet stories and sentiments shared about Robin Williams. There was consensus among the comedy community that not only was he one of the greatest performers but he was also one of the greatest men offstage. Comedian Dana Gould shared this story on his tumblr.

Two years ago, I was performing at The Punchline in San Francisco, and Robin came to the show with our mutual friend, Dan Spencer.

This particular batch of material was the first time I had touched upon my then still-fresh divorce wounds, and big chunks of it were pretty dark. The next day, I got a text from a number I didn’t recognize. Whoever it was had obviously been to the show and knew my number, so I figured they would reveal themselves at some point and save me the embarrassment of asking who they were.

The Mystery Texter asked how I was REALLY doing. “You can’t fool me. Some of those ‘jokes’ aren’t ‘jokes.” By now I knew that whoever this was had been through what I was enduring, as no one else would know to ask, “What time of day is the hardest?”

He wanted to know how my kids were handling it, all the while assuring me that the storm, as bleak as it was, would one day pass and that I was not, as I was then convinced, a terrible father for visiting a broken home upon my children.

I am not rewriting this story in retrospect to make it dramatic. I did not know who I was texting with. Finally, my phone blipped, and I saw, in a little green square, “Okay, pal. You got my number. Call me. I’ve been there. You’re going to be okay. - Robin.”

That is what you call a human being.

Paul F. Tompkins, another great comedian, shared his feelings about Robin Williams. You can read the whole thing here but I really identify with this paragraph:

Robin Williams made me laugh so many times. So many times. When I was a kid, having problems of my own, feeling unpleasantly different from the people who populated my world, I found sanctuary watching this guy on TV who was celebrated for being a weirdo, for being an oddball, for being silly. He was praised for having a mind that produced delightful absurdities with great speed. No one told him to be quiet. No one tried to make him act like everyone else.

This is just a small sample of a million posts that echo these same thoughts.

Robin Williams took his own life yesterday and the world was devastated. Not only was there an outpouring of love for the comedian but there was also a great deal being said about suicide, depression, and mental illness.

We can’t forget about the ones we’ve lost but we must never lose focus on the ones we’re going to lose unless things change.

When it comes to issues like suicide and depression we're not the best at handling them. We’re like a group of grown men standing around and it’s not until one of them poops their pants that everyone says “gee, I better go to the bathroom.” We can't wait until the next life is taken from us before we deal with depression and mental illness again.

If you’re experiencing depression or thoughts of suicide, you’re not alone. You can get help. There are people all around you who will love and support you. Don’t keep it bottled up inside. Don’t ignore it.

If Robin Williams, one of the funniest/joyful/kindest men, can be affected by it, anyone can.

We were all so shocked when we heard the news yesterday. You never know what someone else is going through. Let that influence how we treat everyone we come in contact with in our lives.

We can’t let this issue only come up when it takes another life.

Nanu nanu