Leading a Culture of Confession

We don’t get to choose who opens up to us.

It’s a real bummer, isn’t it? I know I’ve had friends who I can tell are going through a really hard time but they’re not talking to anybody about it. I just want to shake them until they start talking. “TELL ME YOUR SECRETS SO I CAN BE THERE FOR YOU, YOU FREAKING JERK!”

Not the best approach.

We can’t force people to confide in us but I do think there are some simple steps we can take, as leaders, to let the people in our community know that they can trust us.

I created a 4 part video training that walks through how we can lead a culture of confession.

I posted the first video on Facebook the other day. The rest is available for free on my website. At first you had to sign up with your e-mail address in order to view them but I decided to get rid of that.

Videos from My Livestream

Every month I'm putting on a comedy livestream exclusively for my Patreon supporters. Well, actually I decided for my first one I'd leave it open to the public. So you can find it all on Facebook.

Was it the best thing in the world? No. I learned a whole lot though. I had really big dreams for the livestream could be and it didn't really live up to it. It's frustrating when things don't live up to your taste. There were some scheduling problems and technical issues that got in the way.

BUT there were some pre-recorded videos I showed throughout the livestream that I'm really proud of. Each one is sillier than the last. Just the way I like it.

In one video I show off my new car.

I give a tour of the town I grew up in.

And my friend Seth sings Firework by Katy Perry.

There's a 4th video my other friend Derek made where he teaches you how to fake laugh and it's sooooo funny. I need to convince him to record a different intro/outro that doesn't mention the livestream so he can upload it to his youtube page because it's wonderful.

The Videos

If One Caring Adult Believes in You

The other day I read a Twitter thread from  Joy Beth Smith that was really exceptional and eye opening. It all started because of tweet from BBC.

Today’s African #proverb: The child who is not embraced by the village will burn it down to feel its warmth. Sent by Thomas Ayeni, from Calgary, Canada. How do you interpret this proverb? https://t.co/QthUnQEhFb

— BBC Africa (@BBCAfrica) March 6, 2018

Smith used this proverb to talk about the problem of neglect.

And more children suffer from neglect in the US than from physical and sexual abuse combined, but because it's harder to define, harder to see, and harder to hold people accountable for, the children remain mistreated and the villages burn. https://t.co/LQTgiUwrII

— Joy Beth Smith (@JBsTwoCents) April 26, 2018

Let's take a moment to learn about neglect, shall we?
Neglected babies will cry, and if they get no responses enough times they will become distrustful of the stability of their caregivers. They will start to live in a state of constant fight or flight https://t.co/4HB8Ec1gnP

— Joy Beth Smith (@JBsTwoCents) April 26, 2018

"Most of these children will grow up but they’ll be at a severe disadvantage. Many will have ADD, hyper-attention, post-traumatic stress disorder, memory and learning difficulties, dependency, depression and have a tendency to become cutters or have other self-inflicted injuries"

— Joy Beth Smith (@JBsTwoCents) April 26, 2018

Studies have shown adults who were neglected as children have much higher rates of drug addiction, alcoholism, smoking, violence towards others, and poor job performance.

— Joy Beth Smith (@JBsTwoCents) April 26, 2018

One promising takeaway: "Research suggests that just one caring, safe relationship early in life gives any child a much better shot at growing up healthy."

Not with a parent, just one relationship. Look for signs of neglect. Be present and aware of the needs around you.

— Joy Beth Smith (@JBsTwoCents) April 26, 2018

All it takes is "just one caring adult."

That's also the main theme of motivational speaker, Josh Shipp. One caring adult can make all the difference in a kid's life.

Joy Beth Smith ended her thread talking about the one caring adult in her life.

I believe I learned healthy attachment in 7th grade from a woman who chose to spend her Wed afternoons with me, shopping at Claire's, sipping lattes, talking about school and boys.

It matters. When you consistently show up to love someone in small ways, it matters. And it heals. https://t.co/CQdB0VFKco

— Joy Beth Smith (@JBsTwoCents) April 26, 2018

Usually I try to avoid reading random responses to a tweet I like because it’s all usually horrible hateful garbage but I’m glad I did this time! I got to see this perfect exchange.

Oh, Laura. I'm so grateful you had that. I had a similar experience in college. Sometimes I feel like one of those skipping rocks that God has hopped from person to person but what's amazing is there were always people. To feel so loved when you have so little to offer is a gift.

— Joy Beth Smith (@JBsTwoCents) April 26, 2018

I love love love love love the line “To feel so loved when you have so little to offer is a gift.”

I’m pretty sure I was the worst when I was a kid. I had no filter, I’d cling to anyone who gave me attention, and I could never calm down. It was easy to have friends my age because everyone else was just as annoying. But when I think about the fact that grown adults CHOSE to spend time with me, listen to me, and really take an interest in me, I AM SHOCKED. I had nothing to offer them in return and yet they still loved me. It really was a gift.

And now I want to be more mindful and more willing to give that gift to others.

It reminds me of a song from The Muppets (everyone reminds me of a song from The Muppets) called JUST ONE PERSON.

If just one person believes in you
Deep enough, and strong enough
Believes in you

Hard enough
And long enough
Before you know it
Someone else would think
"If he can do it, I can do it"

Making it
Two whole people who believe in you
Deep enough
And strong enough
Believe in you
Hard enough
And long enough
There's bound to be some
Other person who believes in
Making it a threesome
Making it three
People you can say
Believe in me

And if three whole people
Why not four?
And if four whole people
Why not more
And more
And more

And when all those people
Believe in you
Deep enough
And strong enough
Believe in you
Hard enough
And long enough
It stands to reason
You yourself will start to see
What everybody sees in you
And maybe even you
(maybe even you)
Can believe in you, too

What You Like vs What You Make

I’ve wanted to have a podcast for a really long time. And I've tried to make one. Several times. Believe me. There a lot of failed pilot episodes sitting on my hard drive. I’d have an idea, give it shot, realize it wasn’t what I wanted it to be, not know how to fix it, and THEN MOVE ON.

I listen to podcasts more than I listen to music. I love em. Can’t get enough. I know what a truly great podcast can be and so it’s hard for me when what I’m making isn’t as good as the stuff I love.

Right now I’m working on a podcast idea I’ve had for almost a year. I recorded an interview for the first episode back in January but I’ve been too scared to listen back. TODAY IS THE DAY!

I’m going back to this video of Ira Glass giving the best advice and hopefully it’ll encourage me to keep going. Because it IS super frustrating when there's such a huge difference between the quality of the stuff you like and the stuff you make.

"It’s take a while. It’s going to take you a while. It’s normal to take a while and you just have to fight your way through that."

My History with Livestream Shows

4 years ago when I was still a youth pastor I would invite my friends to hang out in my church office late at night so we could put on a really silly livestream comedy show. Tomorrow night I’m going to try to recreate that.

It all started with my friend Seth bored out of his mind on a long road trip. I came up with the idea of livestreaming from my laptop with him on speakerphone so members of the audience could ask him for advice. There was no real plan. We just wanted to make each other laugh. It was kinda-sorta “successful” (however you want to define that).

But we had fun doing it so we decided to try to do something like that again.

For this show we would be in the same room, we’d come up with ideas for bits, we’d bring in special guests, and we’d give it a name: PIZZA NIGHT. My office wasn’t that big but we were able to cram me and Seth in one corner and our friend Dani and her keyboard in another. she was the house band for the show. Any time we needed to transition between bits I’d swivel the laptop around to face her so she could play a musical interlude. It was a very high tech show.

I think we did a show every night of finals week. Our audience kept growing and our ideas got dumber. We introduced a character that was just devil puppet I found in the church storage. We called him Gary Nacogdoches and he was my best friend.

It was all very silly. None of us took it seriously. No one was trying to make a career out of it or get famous by being on the internet and I think that’s what made it so enjoyable.

Seth and I tried to do other livestream shows over the years. We tried watching the X-Files together but we couldn’t figure out the logistics.

At one point we tried to do Pizza Night season 2 but I don’t like talking about that. We only had one person tune and I was incredibly embarrassed. Pizza Night season 2 was a failure and I would like to apologize to everyone involved.

Tuesday night I’m hosting a comedy livestream for the first time in years. I’m older, wiser, and better prepared. I’ve got some really dumb ideas for what we can all do together during the show. I’m also really excited for these pre-recorded bits I’ll play throughout. Some are from me and some were made by friends (and Pizza Night alumni).

One of the rewards for supporting my Patreon is access to an exclusive monthly livestream. Since this is my first one I thought I’d open it up to the general public so everyone can get an idea of what they can get every month.

I’m praying it’s good and that people watch. I’m praying it’s more like Pizza Night season 1 and NOTHING LIKE SEASON 2.

We’ll see.

Living like a Time Traveler Takes the Stress Away

I’m in love with this recent “secret” shared on PostSecret.

“Sometimes I pretend I’ve time traveled to the past and am re-living my life. Time with friends and family suddenly becomes a gift, a chance to be with them once more before they’re gone again.”

I have a feeling whoever wrote was inspired by the movie ABOUT TIME. The film is about a guy who discovers he can travel back in time to any moment in his life and change whatever he wants. By the end of the film he’s older, married, has two children, and is traveling back in time a whole lot less.

This is what he says in a closing monologue:

“The truth is, I now don't travel back at all, not even for a day. I just try to live everyday as if I have deliberately come back to this one day, to enjoy it... As if it was the full, final day of my extraordinary, ordinary life.”

It’s a really beautiful thought and it’s so close to a concept I just read about in Viktor Frankl’s Man’s Search for Meaning. 

Frankl, a psychologist who survived 5 years in Nazi concentration camp, puts it this way:

“Live as if you were living already for the second time and as if you had acted the first time as wrongly as you are about to act now.”

There are several passages in this book I can confidently claim CHANGED MY FREAKING LIFE but this one is probably at the top of the list.

I’ve already found myself doing this little thought experiment before going to lunch with friends. “Ok. What if I’ve already had this lunch and I’m getting to do it again to fix all my mistakes. What mistakes would I make that need correcting? I probably would have spent too much time looking at my phone. I could be rude to the people working. I could be a terrible listener and miss opportunities to be more supportive. But not this time around!”

Time travel has always been a big deal for me. In college I went through a strange and awful depression where I got really obsessed with regrets and wished I could have a time machine to fix all my garbage mistakes.

It was not a healthy time for me.

I have a tattoo of the flux capacitor from Back to the Future (it’s what makes time travel possible) on my leg. I got it several years ago because I wanted to remind myself that I don’t ever get a do over. You’ve got to get it right the first time because that’s all you have.

But now I’ve got Frankl in my head telling me to live like a time travel and make my life better.

A Story of Christian Parents During the Columbine Shooting

I wanted to share a quick passage from Dave Cullen’s incredible book about the Columbine shooting. I've been reading it this week and I've been absolutely blown away.

While the shooting was still happening, parents gathered at the public library to wait for their kids to be transported after being rescued or escaping from the high school. Some students returned unharmed and the parents rejoiced. Other parents waited all day just to discover their child had died.

A Red Cross volunteer at the library witnessed a difference in the way a lot of Christian parents were handling the tragedy.

“The way that those families reacted was markedly different. It was like a hundred and eighty degrees from where everybody else was. They were signing; they were praying; they were comforting other parents, especially the parents of Isaiah Shoels [the only African American killed]. They were thinking a lot about the other parents, the other families, and responding a lot to other people’s needs. They were definitely in pain, and you could see it in their eyes, but they were very confident of where their kids were. They were at peace with it. It was like they were a living example of their faith.”

This is what being different from the rest of the world is supposed to look like.

I think we cheapen the ways we’re supposed to stand out as Christians. We applaud ourselves for not listening to “that type of music,” seeing “those movies,” saying “bad words.”

But how do we handle our anger? What do we do with our jealousy, regrets, or doubts? What do we do when tragedy strikes? How do we apologize? Are our responses no different from someone who doesn’t know Christ?

I’m not saying we’re not allowed to hurt, grieve, or feel lost. We will all experience dark times. I’m not sharing this passage to shame us for not doing enough.

For me it was so encouraging to read. Look at these parents! When your life is centered around Christ it is possible to share hope and compassion with others while you’re going through the same tragedy.

I want to be like them.

3 Reasons to Evaluate Church Events

Earlier I asked if your church evaluates big events. Here are 3 reasons why an evaluation meeting can be so important.

WE GAIN PERSPECTIVE 

It might not be until you’re in a meeting with your team, hearing everyone’s experience at the event, that you realize not a single person noticed the little mistakes you’ve been kicking yourself over all week. You’ve been so zoomed in you didn’t notice how successful the big picture was!

WE CAN CELEBRATE EACH OTHER 

So often in ministry, the moment an event is over we’re focused on what’s next. It’s important to take a moment, pause, share our wins, our stories, and encouragement with each other.

WE CAN MAKE OUR NEXT EVENT EVEN BETTER 

What did we learn? What did we try this time that we want to change for next time? If we don’t look at it now, we’re dooming ourselves to repeating it next time.

How do you evaluate big events?

If you’re looking for something easy to use I have a simple EVENT EVALUATION GUIDE that can help give some direction as you take notes and unpack your latest event.

Hey Pastors, How Was Easter?

When I think about planning big events for the church, two quotes come to mind:

“Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.”

“Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results.”

It’s so important to unpack and evaluate an event in the weeks after it’s all over.

There’s so much we can learn from every event we do. It can shape and influence the next outreach or conference on the calendar. It can completely change how you approach the same event next year.

For most of us the dust just settled from Easter.

How’d it go?

The whole thing is still fresh in our minds so it’s the perfect time to sit down with our team and evaluate the whole thing.

I’ve been working on resources for churches who bring me in for big events and one of the things I wanted to create was super simple EVALUATION GUIDE that can help give some direction as you walk through the details of your last event.

It's simple and barebones on purpose. I just wanted to make an easy guide for when you meet with leaders to talk through how things went.

What is a real apology?

Up until a few years ago most people thought Domino’s pizza was garbage. The company was losing business, closing stores, and failing fast.

Then they did something risky. They admitted how much they sucked. They ran an ad campaign that basically said “Hey, we know everyone hates our pizza! We know you think the crust tastes like cardboard! We hear you and we’re fixing it. We’ve entirely changed how we make our pizza because we don’t want to suck anymore.”

It worked. Two days after the commercial started airing their sales were already growing. By week three they were running out of pepperoni. IT WAS A HUGE HIT.

Why did this work so well?

Domino’s CEO, J. Patrick Doyle, put it this way:

“If somebody is going to convince you they’re going to change it has to start with them absolutely owning the problem in the first place.”

Shout out to the CHANGE AGENT podcast for telling this story about Domino's.

True repentance starts with owning the thing you’re needing to change.

Over the last several months we’ve seen a LOT of men in Hollywood giving some pretty bogus “apologies” for sexual misconduct. They deny, they downplay, they blame the culture, they point fingers. It always feels like their main goal in responding to accusations is to save their own neck.

Except for Dan Harmon, creator of Community and Rick & Morty. Everyone needs to learn from Domino’s and Dan Harmon (this is a weird sentence I never thought I’d write).

In January Harmon was accused of sexually harassing one of his employees while working on Community. He addressed it on his own podcast that week and spent 7 minutes OWNING THE PROBLEM.

Here’s an excerpt:

“And I lied to myself the entire time about it. And I lost my job. I ruined my show. I betrayed the audience. I destroyed everything and I damaged her internal compass. And I moved on. I’ve never done it before and I will never do it again, but I certainly wouldn’t have been able to do it if I had any respect for women. On a fundamental level, I was thinking about them as different creatures. I was thinking about the ones that I liked as having some special role in my life and I did it all by not thinking about it. So, I just want to say, in addition to obviously being sorry, but that’s really not the important thing, I want to say I did it by not thinking about it and I got away with it by not thinking about it. And if she hadn’t mentioned something on Twitter, I would have continued to not have to not think about it, although I did walk around with my stomach in knots about it, but I wouldn’t have had to talk about it.”

Read the whole thing here

It was a real apology. It wasn’t a PR move. And it was effective. After listening to the episode, the writer who accused him tweeted:

Yes, I only listened because I expected an apology. But what I didn't expect was the relief I’d feel just hearing him say these things actually happened. I didn’t dream it. I’m not crazy. Ironic that the only person who could give me that comfort is the one person I’d never ask.

— Megan Ganz (@meganganz) January 11, 2018

This was never about vengeance; it's about vindication. That's why it didn’t feel right to just accept his apology in private (although I did that, too). Because if any part of this process should be done in the light, it’s the forgiveness part. And so, @danharmon, I forgive you.

— Megan Ganz (@meganganz) January 11, 2018

His apology brought healing and change because of Dan Harmon chose to be vulnerable.

Andy Savage is a pastor in Tennessee who addressed his own past sexual misconduct during a Sunday morning service. The New York Times did a HEARTBREAKING video with the woman Savage took advantage of back when she was just a teenager and he was her pastor. They get her reaction to his apology and it makes you realize how weak it really is. 

WATCH THE VIDEO (I’ll warn you that there’s one line in the video that is pretty graphic)

At first I just wanted to write about the church in general. I wanted to write "we need to be better at this" over and over and over. I wanted to question if we were setting a culture where people respond in church with quick PR statements to make themselves feel better or if true repentance was the norm. I wanted to write stuff like "if we understand the gospel and how crazy grace really is" and so on and so on.

But then I realized I wanted to focus on that because I didn’t want to have to examine myself. I’ve hurt people with my words and the stuff I’ve done. I’ve been selfish and stupid. I’ve sinned. BIG sins. How do I talk about them with myself, my closest friends, with God, or with the people I’ve hurt?

Have I made real apologies? Am I owning the problem so I can make a real change? Am I willing to be messy and seek forgiveness?

Do I need to be better at this? Do I need to be better at this?

Is a pizza company better at seeking forgiveness than a Christian?