Trusting God with My Death

I thought I would share this for National Suicide Prevention Awareness Week. The following is an excerpt from my book, In the Altogether: Trusting God with All We Hide From the World.

I've always been astonished by testimonies where someone shares the exact date and time they were prepared to commit suicide. Their story is about how God met them at that moment, and they never looked back. I'm secretly jealous of those stories. I wish I could point to one specific moment. I wish I could tell you the date of the last time I seriously considered suicide. I don't know. It's all a blur. When I was younger, I wasn't even aware that was what was happening in my brain. The thoughts would go away and come back, looking a little different in each stage of life. It's not like I'm calling for everyone to stop sharing their testimonies if they don't sound exactly like mine. I know some people hit rock bottom, make a decision, and never turn back. But I also want to make room for people like me––the ones who hit rock bottom, make a decision, but do turn back. The ones who fall again. When we only hear one type of story, we can feel like we've missed our one shot at redemption. We think that if it didn't work the first time it's over for us. We're a lost cause. We think, If I didn't completely change the moment I handed my life over to Jesus, I guess I never will.

I do have one specific date I can share with you. March 24.

The only reason I know it is because I always write the date with the notes I take at church. During service that Sunday, I was feeling really depressed and a thought about suicide flashed through my mind. It had been a long time since I seriously considered taking my own life. This wasn't like that. This was only a quick thought passing through. I still get one every once in a while. It never stays long. I never make plans. I know it'll pass. At the end of the service, the worship team sang In Christ Alone, and God used that moment to speak to me.

The whole song is beautiful, but the part that really hit me was the line "till he returns or calls me home." The Holy Spirit comforted me with that phrase. I can trust Jesus with my death. He knows my end. He will take me when it's time. He's coming back. This isn't forever. Until that happens, I want to live my life for him. For someone who struggled with the temptation to take his own life, the thought of trusting Jesus with my death was a beautiful reversal of how I used to think. Jesus entered my depression story years ago and changed everything, but I'm still growing, still being transformed, all these years later.

Why You Should Keep Track of Your Mistakes

“Every time he made a decision, he’d write himself a memo about what he expected to happen. Then nine months later he opened it up and read it to find out how wrong he’d been. He wanted to learn the most he could from each and every error.”

-The Social Animal by David Brooks

I started keeping a journal specifically to keep track of my first year on staff at my church in Kansas. Today starts week 3 and I’m making a lot of decisions. I’m trying to keep track of all of them and what I hope their outcomes will be. We’ll see how I wrong I am. I’m sure it’s going to be fascinating to look back on the entries of this journal three or four years from now.

Here are a few reasons I think it’s a good idea:

I’ll be less likely to make the same mistakes twice.

It’ll make me better at helping other people just starting out on staff at a church. I think sometimes when we’re discipling our just being a good friend (often the same thing) we can find ourselves thinking “There’s no way I was ever this naive, right?” Keeping a journal will give you tangible proof that, yes, you were once just as dumb and uninformed.

What if you had kept a journal of your first year married? First year as a parent? First year as an empty nester? Mister Rogers’ great ability to communicate with and care for children was often credited to his ability to still remember what it was like to be a child himself. He could remember how visceral the fear of getting your first haircut was, so he knew just what a child facing that might need to hear to be comforted.

Also, when we find success we can rewrite the story of how we got there to stand down the rough patches, the mistakes, the missteps, the absolute screw-ups along the way, so we’re left with a neat and tidy narrative of how you made every right decision to get you where you are today.

A journal keeps you honest.

My Depression is a Pancake

I feel depressed right now. It’s almost been a full week now. What does it feel like? Right now it’s like a giant 300-pound pancake has been gently laid on top of me. It wasn’t violently thrown to crush me. Gently laid. The pressure is both soft and heavy, and it feels like I’d better just lay on the floor and let the pancake win.

I’m not 100% sure what triggered this or how to get out from under it.

Here’s my plan:

Go for a walk. I haven’t felt like being physically active or going outside lately. That’s probably just my depression trying to trick me into staying away from activities that will lessen its power.

Clean my apartment. It’s a mess. If I make it look like things are back to normal maybe they’ll start to feel that way too.

Make a to-do list. I need purpose right now. I need a reason to move.

Hold on. This will not last forever. There’s life on the other side that I’ll get to eventually. This too shall pass. Something good is coming.

Don’t worry, throughout the last week I mentioned how I was feeling to two friends. I’m not doing this alone. You don’t all need to suddenly start e-mail or texting me to see if I’m ok. I’m ok.  And if everyone contacted me at the same time to get me to talk about the giant pancake, it would be a miserable and exhausting day.

I just wanted to be honest with you. I’m all about honesty, right? And I want to make it clear that my testimony doesn’t just skip from “Taylor prayed a little prayer to Jesus” to “and he lived happily ever after.” No. I still live in a fallen world with a fallen body and a fallen mind and I’m eagerly awaiting the return of the Lord because of the Great Newness he’s got in store for all creation. Until then, I lean ALL MY WEIGHT on Him and not my own understanding.

Jesus, eat this pancake.

And if you’ve got a pancake (or waffle or donut or French toast sticks) know that you’re not alone, you can take little steps right now that will lead to bigger steps down the road, and there is a Champion of Breakfasts who died to save you. You are not forgotten. You are not forgotten. You are not forgotten.

"Can't" is often a lie

Have you ever come to the realization that you need to have a difficult conversation with someone you love and your immediate reaction is I can’t do that!

Maybe it’s time to question this knee jerk response.

There’s a difference between the things you can’t do, the things you won’t do, and the things you haven’t done yet. It sounds like I’m splitting hairs but I think when we label things correctly it helps us perceive them correctly.

When you say “I can’t talk to them” is that really true? I can say “I can’t talk to my dad about how I never felt close to him growing up” because it's literally true. My dad passed away in December so it’s physically impossible for me to have that conversation. In the last few months of his life, it still would have been true that I couldn’t because the effects of Alzheimer’s had taken away his ability to hold a conversation. But if I had said I can’t when I was in high school or college, I would have been lying. The truth was I could, but I wouldn’t.

In my book, I talked about how confrontation and apologies are two common ways we need to learn to be vulnerable in our every day lives. Yes, it’s terrifying, but it’s also necessary for healthy relationships and healthy churches. The next time you find yourself pushing back on the conviction to have one of these conversations, do so honestly. If it’s physically possible, don’t let yourself say that you can’t. Because you can.

The good news is that there is more than one way to label your push back. Saying you won’t do something sounds like the final word on the matter, but it doesn’t have to be. Instead say, “I haven’t done that yet.” That feels a lot better to me. I don’t want to do it, I know that I should, and I’m saying that I will, but I do not have the courage to do it right now. But I will.

This applies to more than just difficult conversations. Do you need to commit to a healthier lifestyle? Address sin? Get organized? Look for a better job? Don’t say you can’t, because you actually can. Say “I haven’t done that yet.”

The phrase also helps signal to the person you’re saying it to that this is something they can bring up later. They can continue to talk about this, encourage you, and push you toward the thing you know you need to do.

Don’t let the lie of “can’t” hold you back from growth.

Clean Your Mind the Way You Clean Your Closet

I know I’m desperate for something to do when I start cleaning. It’s always a last resort.

There’s a closet in my living room full of junk. I’ve tried to go in there a few times and organize it all but it becomes too overwhelming. I know the only effective way to truly clean that mess up is to empty the closet of all the contents. It’s too hard to just get myself in there, close the door, and rearrange things in that limited space. I’ve got to take it all out and start fresh. It’s easier to make sense of what you’ve got when it spread out on the floor in front of you. You can judge what deserves to go back in the closet and what’s actually been trash the whole time. You can uncover hidden treasures that sat lost and forgotten for years.

It’s easier to organize everything by dumping it all out of the container first. It’s true for your closet, your backpack, the trunk of your car, and your brain.

Let your thoughts out (Journaling! Talking to a friend! Seeing a counselor!) so you can organize them better. Some will turn out to be junk that needs to be thrown away. Some times you’ll discover hidden treasures that sat lost and forgotten for years. But you’ve got to let them all out first.

Fiona Apple agrees:

"You’ve got these stories you’re not telling anybody. Each one of those stories is like this little ball of yarn. If you don’t [express them], they end up getting tangled together inside. Then it’s really hard to sort through them."

Your Feelings are not Beetlejuice

When Eugene Mirman’s wife was dying of cancer, he didn’t want to dwell on it with her, so he’d always find other people to talk to about it. One night while with friends his wife lamented “You know, no one wants to talk to me about cancer.”

In the documentary It Started as a Joke, Eugene talks about this moment as a turning point. He realized he shouldn’t have been afraid to bring this subject up with his wife.

“Talking about it isn’t going to be the thing that kills her.”

Some times it feels so scary to wrap words around the heaviest feelings we’re experiencing. We think the feelings are a giant wild animal and the only way to keep it locked away in its cage is to never speak of it. Words are the key, and if you open the lock, the beast will run wild through your life.

But I love this realization. Cancer isn’t Bloody Mary or Beetlejuice. Things will not get worse just by speaking its name three times. Just the opposite! Over time, talking about these things can help shrink the intensity of our feelings.

Why I'm Writing Bad Poetry

On April 8th I watched Billy Collins’ Masterclass on reading and writing poetry. I had a lot to learn because I’m very bad at both of those things.

I’ve written at least one very bad poem every day since starting the class. They’re not bad on purpose. I’m really trying, I promise. I don’t just vomit out a few lines and call it a day. Some times I will spend a couple of hours rewriting. But it’s all so new to me so there’s no way they’re going to be any good.

But that doesn’t mean I should give up. The only way I’ll one day end up with a halfway decent poem is if I keep writing all these bad ones.

The same was true for my stand-up, sermons, and writings. Ira Glass talks about that frustration when you first start making stuff and your taste is better than what you’re making. You know what a great movie looks like so you’re painfully aware that the movie you just made is trash (or song, or painting, etc.). That can be so discouraging. You want to give up. But the only way to close the gap between your taste and your art is to keep working.

This is the main way I think about creativity: I’ve got 600 terrible poems living inside me, all piled up in the pit of my stomach, and underneath all those embarrassing poems is where the good ones live. The only way I can get to them is by letting the bad ones out. This saves me from getting discouraged every time I write a crappy poem. It’s more of a relief. Oh, thank God. I let another one out. We’re one step closer to getting to the good ones.

Here’s a video of me talking more about this:

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Do you know why I’m writing poetry in the first place?

Is this how I’m announcing to the world that I’m leaving behind comedy and speaking, moving to Paris, buying a cape, and becoming a SERIOUS POET? No ma'am. Not even close. I don’t want to share these with anyone. Honestly, there’s no good reason I’m doing it. I just want to see if I can.

Austin Kleon wrote about the wonders of having a good ol fashion hobby

"A hobby is something creative that’s just for you. You don’t try to make money or get famous off it, you just do it because it makes you happy. A hobby is something that gives but doesn’t take.”

It’s nice to do something creative that has absolutely no pressure on it. There’s no deadline. There’s nothing riding on it being successful. You’ll never make a dime from it, and you know that from the start, so it can remain a low stakes exercise for fun. Sure, there’s a chance sharpening this tool in my writer’s toolbox could one day come in handy, but I’m not doing it with that in mind. It’s just nice.

So, why not pick up a hobby? Start writing short stories about the secret adventures your pets go on and don’t tell anyone about it. Do it for the sake of doing it. But keep doing it even if it sucks, because who knows how good it could be one day.

Podcast Episodes to Get You Through Social Distancing

It’s a weird time right now.

Most of us are having to figure out this new life of being trapped at home.

The other day I realized I can actually offer some genuine help during this time. On my podcast, I interview friends and experts on a wide range of topics and there are specific episodes that can equip you for this time.

Feeling guilty about all the movies you’re watching?

#4 Empathy and Film (w/ Wade Bearden) This episode will change the way you look at movies. They don’t just have to be mindless entertainment. They can actually make you a better Christian.

Stuck with your family and you’re not sure how to talk to them about how this whole thing is making you feel

#7 Talking Mental Health with Family (w/ Gina Johnson) I had a very honest conversation with my mom about why I was so scared to tell anyone in my family about my struggle with depression growing up. My mom opens up about her own journey with mental health too.

Have you seen friends post anything on social media that leads you to believe they might not be doing ok? Not sure if you should reach out or what you should say?

#8 When and How to Reach Out (w/ Michelle Ellis) That’s exactly what this episode is about! I’ve got nothing else to say about it because I explained it perfectly in the setup.

How Late-Night Hosts Handle Social Distancing

Sure, there's a lot about the coronavirus that absolutely sucks but the silver lining I want to focus on is LATE NIGHT TALK SHOWS.

Last week all the late-night hosts had to do at least one show without an audience. They're in their studio with nothing but their crew, a ton of empty chairs, and the jokes they really hope will still be funny even in the silence.

It was fascinating to watch how everyone handled it.

Stephen Colbert went BIG. Over the top. I love the man so much but it did not translate well. It was probably supposed to come across carefree and fun but it reads as desperate. To be fair, Colbert does have a massive theatre (the biggest in late-night) that he's all alone in. I bet it would be really hard to play it small.

Seth Meyers didn't even have to do a full episode. He put out a Closer Look (one of his most popular segments). A lot of the jokes don't land but it feels like Meyers is genuinely having a good time making fun of himself bombing.

Jimmy Fallon handles it the best, but that's because he doesn't have to do it alone. He has a sidekick and a band to play off of. He doesn't go big. He stays small and goofs around. It's loose. It feels natural.

One of my favorite periods in late night was the writers strike in 2007. All the shows had to go on the air without their writers. What on earth would they do? Well, for the most part, they just WASTED TIME.

Conan O'Brien was the best at it. During the writers strike he had an ongoing bit where he tried to see how long he could spin his wedding ring on his desk. Yup. That's it. That was the whole bit. And it's genuinely fun.

Recently I've started thinking more and more about the importance of restrictions and limitations in art. If you place rules or boundaries for what you allow yourself to do as an artist, you're likely to find new and creative ways to thrive within the boundaries. That's what Conan did. And if the coronavirus rages on, I hope that's what entertainers and artists will do with social distancing.

If you’re an artist living in America during the time of social distancing, maybe this weird new unexpected restriction is exactly what you need to fan the flame of your creativity. Look on the bright side. And wash your hands.

Understanding Suffering and Comfort

Last week I got to return to my alma mater and share a sermon that meant a lot to me.